Pull Me Back In
by PuzzlePiecesThatJustDontFit
Summary: Kakashi has been lost on a destructive path since Asuma's death. Even with the village rebuilt and things slipping back into their daily cycles, he cant seem to find where he fits anymore. But there is someone, someone just as detached and lonely as kakashi that could maybe help the man. Can Sai prove to be more human that hes given credit for? Warning! substance abuse
1. Chapter 1

Kakashi sat on the floor on his apartment. Next to him sat his gloves and vest, both items tossed to the side and out of his way. His long sleeved navy blue shirt was rolled up on one arm to just above the elbow. Slowly he looked over his shoulder to the coffee table his back was leaning up against. He picked up the long string of rubber that lay there, and held it in his fingers for a long moment.

Sometimes he didn't know why he was doing this to himself.

It wasn't like he didn't have a clue what he was doing, he wasn't stupid. He knew the dangers and risks to it. He just couldn't seem to find it in himself to really…care. At all. Lately he found himself thinking more about taking his own life than finding ways to save it.

_And that scared the hell out of him_.

Why couldn't he be worried about his health? Why couldn't he _feel _anything anymore? He was losing touch with his friends, his students…

_Himself!_

That was an insane thought. How does one simply lose touch with themselves? But as kakashi tied the rubber string tightly around his pale arm. As he pulled the cap off of the needle with his teeth and took in a deep breath. As he pushed the sharp point into his bursting vein…he knew this wasn't him.

He wasn't who he was before. And he wasn't sure if he could ever go back to that, didn't know if he _wanted _to go back to that.

Kakashi pulled the spent needled from his moonlit skin and threw it onto the dingy floor of his broken down apartment. Slowly he slipped onto the floor and just lay there, staring at the ceiling and waiting as the drug washed over him.

_When did he slip this far away?_

**Sorry it's kind of short, mostly just to get a feel for the story…set the mood, you know? Hope you liked! :) **


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi sat on a bench just outside of the mission's office. He was waiting for Yamato to finish up and then they were going to meet the team for lunch. As he sat there kakashi rubbed his temples, the pain of a headache rising behind his eyes. The sun was too bright. The streets were too loud.

Everything was just way too much.

"Kakashi! You ready?"

The silver haired jounin almost winced at the sound of yamato's (over the top cheerful in his opinion) voice and he sat up straight, squinting at the bright sunlight. Yamato laughed a bit and hauled kakashi to his feet as he gave a pat to the older man's shoulders.

"Long night or something?"

Kakashi groaned and wiped his hand over his eyes, trying to escape the pain in his head. He didn't answer Yamato as he turned and began to walk away. Slowly the brown haired shinobi followed suit, but stayed quite as they walked.

Kakashi's head was _screaming_.

Everything he looked at, everything he heard as they walked the streets of the town made his blood boil. Beside him, yamato was watching kakashi's profile, wandering eyes checking to see if the Jounin's facial expression changed. It didn't. The tense gaze yamato had seen coming from the office was still plastered on kakashi face when they arrived at lunch. He wanted to say something…

But with kakashi, he knew not to ask.

"Finally! Naruto has already eaten a bowl! Come on we're hungry!"

Yamato smiled at sakura and he and kakashi took their seats beside the teens. He grabbed himself a menu and turned to look at kakashi.

The older man had his head rested in his hands as he leaned heavily on the counter. He looked tired and sleep deprived. Yamato patted the silver haired man's shoulder and Kakashi glanced up a bit.

"What do you want to eat? Im buying"

Kakashi shrugged. "Not hungry" and turned away.

Yamato only watched him for another moment before turning back to the others and starting in on whatever conversation they were having.

The rest of lunch kakashi sat with his head laid down on the counter and shoulders slumped. So far none of his students had been brave enough to ask what was wrong. But they'd all at least noticed. For the past several months they'd noticed.

But they'd just assumed it was stress from missions and working on the village. That's all it ever was with kakashi. Stress. So why worry?

Finally Naruto looked over Captain Yamato's shoulder to kakashi sensei and cleared his throat.

"Are you alright Kaka-Sensei?"

Kakashi lifted his head a bit and turned so he was facing the blonde. He scrubbed a hand over his face and sat up straight to stretch and yawn.

"Huh? Oh…yeah im fine. Just tired"

He paired it with a signature eye crinkle smile and the groups worries melted away just like that. They trusted the older man, knew that he wouldn't lie to them unless necessary.

And when kakashi said he was fine, he didn't lie. He truly believed he was fine.

_What a joke._

**Comment please! Hope you enjoy :) **


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a long day. And it wasn't even over yet.

Kakashi sighed and itched at his arm as he watched his students and Yamato across the room. The four were sitting on the two beds the room contained, just chatting.

And it was driving kakashi _insane._

Just looking at him you wouldn't be able to tell, but he was freaking out. His hands were shaking just the slightest and if he hadn't been wearing his mask at that moment his nails would have been chewed down to stubs. He _needed _it. But as it was, he couldn't. Not with everyone sitting around where they could watch him.

"Kakashi we were thinking about maybe going out to the baths…you coming?"

_Finally. _

Kakashi cleared his throat and fake yawned expertly. "No…I think I might just turn in for the night…long day, you know?"

Yamato nodded and the others grabbed their things before leaving kakashi alone. As soon as the door was shut he was reaching for his bag and throwing the zipper open. The contents spilled onto the sheet in front of him but he stopped himself and took in a breath.

The others would only be gone for a short time, he needed to be careful.

Slowly he prepared everything and sat back against the bed. His shirt was removed and the rubber tie was pulled tight with his teeth around his bicep. He placed the needle just inches from his skin and sucked in a breath.

"Kakashi Sensei?"

Kakashi's body tensed and he glanced up at the door, the needle just a second from going into his vein. The door knob rattled and kakashi turned to grab the blanket to cover his arm. He pushed the needle and the rest of his supplies under the bed just as Sakura peeked her head around the corner. She smiled at kakashi and snuck in sheepishly.

"Sorry sensei I forgot my towel and-" she stopped and turned to face kakashi who sat on the floor, blanket covering his arm and lap and hand holding his bicep.

"What are you doing? Are you alright?"

Kakashi nodded and gave a small smile. He motioned to the blanket and shrugged. "I stretched a wound open. It's nothing. Have fun in the hot springs!"

Sakura was about to protest but kakashi flashed her a 'don't push me' look and she only nodded and smiled before grabbing her towel and backing out of the room.

Once he was alone again, kakashi put away everything but his needle and sat back. He pushed the point into his flesh and sighed as the drug slowly built in his system. He tossed the used needle into his bag along with the tourniquet and pulled himself up onto his bed.

He needed to be more careful.

If someone caught him he would be taken off active duty and possibly even lowered a rank. He couldn't let that happen. The silver haired man stretched his limbs and stared up at the ceiling.

The euphoria washed over him quickly but felt just as good. His eyes were blood shot and his body felt heavy. But he felt good inside. He felt _happy _for once, even if it wasn't real. At this point he would take what he could get.

Yamato laughed and waved at Sai and Naruto as they parted ways in the hallway. They'd finished up in the hot spring and yamato was ready for bed. He placed his key into the lock and opened the door to his and kakashi's room. The older man was laid out across the bed furthest from the door in just a pair of sweat pants. His arms were stretched out above his head and the sight made yamato smile.

He shook his head and placed his thing on the floor before going over to his bed and sitting down. Yamato ran a hand through his hair and fell back on his bed, sighing and then frowning. Slowly he sat up and turned around, looking for what he'd felt underneath him.

On the bed lay a lighter.

Yamato glanced over to the heavily asleep kakashi and then back to the lighter. After another moment Yamato shrugged and tossed the lighter onto the bedside table. He was too tired to really care why the lighter was there.

And so he went to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Kakashi awoke the next morning to find himself alone, a note taped to his arm.

'Went out for some breakfast, we'll bring you back something!

(P.S you are a heavy sleeper)

-Tenzo'

Kakashi ran a hand through his hair and rubbed absently at the small sore bruises on his arm from his continued needle use. After a moment he stood from the bed and noted the pain in his head. Slowly he grabbed his bag and made his way into the bathroom.

He sat on the closed toilet seat and readied all of his supplies. As the needle entered his arm he stiffened. Slowly he glanced back over his shoulder with half lidded eyes and a guilty grin that lay behind his mask.

"Sai"

The pale teen leaned up against the doorframe with both of his arms crossed over his chest. His dark eyes didn't show even a hint of emotion or reaction to the situation.

Kakashi took a moment to clear his throat before finishing what he was doing. He'd been caught, what point was there in trying to hide it from the boy now?

As the high slowly took hold of him he turned to face Sai completely, what was there to say?

"Kakashi Sensei…"

The jounin shook his head and stood to stumble past Sai into the main part of the room. He sat on the bed and rubbed his temples.

"Are you going to go tell on me now or something?" kakashi's voice was calm, he was scared for anyone else to know, but he wouldn't let Sai see that.

"No" Sai's answer had Kakashi's head snapping up to look at the teen.

No? What did he mean 'No'? Kakashi really thought he was beginning to go crazy. There was no way his student would catch him doing this and not tell someone!

_Was there?_

Kakashi's mismatched eyes narrowed as he eyed Sai suspiciously. The boy seemed to be calm about the whole thing; kakashi noted how his eyes were only just blank pools.

_What was Sai thinking?_

After a moment Sai moved across the room and took a seat beside kakashi on the bed. His hands were neatly tucked in his lap and he looked unnervingly professional.

"I'll help you. No one else needs to know I mean…I don't want you to…I don't…I mean, I just, I don't want you to…not be our Sensei" the confusion in Sai's voice, kakashi figured, came from the emotions he was trying to convey.

Kakashi looked down and away, a sudden wave of shame fell over him.

Sai was right he was their _sensei. _He couldn't let them down like that. He couldn't keep letting them down, even if they didn't know it. Minato would have been ashamed to see him now. Even kakashi himself was _embarrassed _to know this is what the Great Fourth Hokage's last student had turned into.

_Worthless. Kakashi had become a worthless waste of life._

And he knew that if Minato and his father were still alive they would be so disappointed in him, so humiliated to know that this is what he had become.

Kakashi felt his eyes moisten at just the thought of letting down his father and former sensei. He needed to fix this.

His bloodshot eyes met Sai's and he nodded a bit. "Ok"

Kakashi wasn't sure, but he swore he saw the faintest of smiles find its way onto Sai's lips.


	5. Chapter 5

Sai sat with his back pressed up against the coffee table.

His knees were curled up to his chest and his drawing book lay open beside him. A pair of neatly drawn eyes stared back from the paper, one of which was colored a deep crimson. The other was dark, almost black but not quite.

Something about it made it seem..._alive._

Sai smiled and folded closed his drawing book. The air in the house was cold with the wind blowing about, the sound of it echoed off the walls. The teen's ears perked up at the sound of a lock being turned, and after a moment the door opened.

Kakashi came into the room and set his keys on the counter. He barely glanced at Sai before going to the kitchen and pouring himself some water.

"I'm going to bed" the older man's voice was stern, frustration only partly hidden behind the words.

Sai stood and opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't find the words to say what he wanted. Kakashi disappeared into his room, giving the door a final slam before it fell into silence. Sai stood there a moment, considering his options. He could stay and just wait for kakashi to calm down? But who knows when that would be. Or he could leave...and that seemed like the better option. He gave one last glance to the closed door, and left.

Kakashi sat on his bed, both hands on his knees clawing at his own skin. It had been a week since Sai had caught him. A week since he'd taken anything.

_And it was killing him. _

He needed it. Everything hurt, his head, his body, everything. And he only saw one way to fix it. Finally the stillness of the room broke and kakashi's hands shook a bit as he opened the stand beside his bed. Inside lay what he needed, and he took it out. Kakashi let out a deep breath and slid down to the floor.

He ran long fingers through pale hair, considering. He was doing what he promised his student he wouldn't do. He was disappointing people again. But he needed it. He needed the rush it gave him. The relaxation and the calm. He needed something to kill the things he always had on his mind.

_He needed something to wash away the red he always saw behind his eyes. _

He stood, hands shaking at his sides and eyes wild with indecision. What kind of a shinobi couldn't resist temptation? He'd been tortured and never gave in, why did this somehow seem different? He was stronger than this. But lately he'd begun to doubt his strength, doubt himself.

_What was he becoming? _

His eyes glanced to the supplies on the floor, and he felt disgusted with himself. The look of disdain stayed tucked behind his mask but he could feel it there. What he was doing was shameful. He was tainting the name of shinobi, and it had to stop.

But knowing it had to end and ending it...were two entirely different things.


	6. Chapter 6

Kakashi woke the next morning with a headache from hell.

His back was stiff, his body was tired and his eyes just wanted to stay shut. He gave a long sigh and rubbed his palms over his eyes trying to clear his head. The two hours of sleep he'd gotten left his with much to be desired, but he had to get ready. Had to go find his team for their mission and besides…he was already two hours late.

With that thought in mind he slowly dressed, packed his backpack and went into the kitchen. Kakashi opened the fridge and peeked in side, feeling his stomach churn just looking at what lay inside. Nothing was spoiled…it just made him ill to look at it. But as he looked down over himself, he felt sicker than before. His weight loss was only around ten pounds…but to him it felt like more.

With a disgusted look on his face he pulled himself out a bowl of dumplings and warmed them on the stove. The smell made him want to throw up but he managed. He ate 2 and downed a glass of water to get the taste out of his mouth. He figured that was enough for now, and left.

His team was of course waiting for him on the bridge when he arrived. Naruto pounced forward, brow knitted together and finger already pointing to kakashi, but he stopped as soon as kakashi was near enough. The man was slumped forward, fingers loosely tangled on the straps of his backpack. He seemed older, tired.

And be dammed if anyone said it out loud…but he looked _weak._

Naruto stepped to the side and let kakashi take the lead, and without another word they were off. The mission was a simple retrieval of a scroll from the Mizukage, concerning some business Tsunade was involved in there. Of course people would want to get their hands on it, and of course that's why team kakashi had been sent.

Strong leader, strong team.

_If only Tsunade knew…_

It took a day's travel to get to the first area where they could rest. The tents were set up, and the fire was started just as darkness covered them. The four sat around the fire, mouths closed but so many questioned to be asked. Kakashi's head was down, looking into the flames and wondering where he'd gone so wrong.

Naruto was staring at kakashi, big blue eyes wondering why his sensei looked like he did. Beside him sat Sakura, her mind tossing around ideas about what could be ailing kakashi. Was he sleep deprived, sick? She couldn't tell.

And Sai. Sai was looking at Kakashi from the corner of his eye. He knew what was going on with kakashi, he knew the sickness, or whatever you wanted to call it, that he carried. And he felt sorry for the man, as well as sorry for Naruto and Sakura who looked at such a loss of what to do it hurt. But it would get better. He just hoped that kakashi wanted to get better. Because if he didn't…

It sure as hell was a long way down


End file.
